Relationships

Maintaining healthy relationships is key to having a balanced life. Whether it is with friends, family, a significant other or your relationship with professors: knowing how to work and communicate with other people will help you throughout your life.

happy couple
By o5com

Healthy relationships are an important part of your life from a young age through adulthood. Maintaining healthy relationships takes time and energy, but are also fun and help you to feel good about yourself. The information provided here will help you to understand what makes a relationship healthy, how to communicate effectively and deal with conflict situations, and how to spot toxic relationships.

Please note that the information provided on these pages is not intended as a substitute for professional medical advice.

Communication is the key to any healthy relationship.

Communication is based on honesty and trust. By listening carefully and sharing your feelings with another person, you show them that they are an important part of your life. Use the following tips for effective communication and “fighting fair,” provided by the counseling services at SUNY Buffalo.

Initiating Relationships
Fair:

  • Reporting your anger appropriately using "I" statements ("I'm furious about...").
  • Being specific and concise.
  • Staying in the present; using current examples.
  • Dealing with partner's behavior, not his/her personality.

Unfair:

  • Generalizing partner’s behavior – “You never..." or "I'm always..."
  • Dwelling on past grievances.
  • Blaming your partner for your problem.
  • Exaggerating —overreacting to a situation or making idle threats or ultimatums.
Responding

Fair:

  • Having your first response to a grievance be an attempt to understand your partner's perceptions, values and feelings – "Maybe she's had a rough day".
  • Being an active listener.
  • Avoiding fighting back when your partner is just letting off steam.
  • Admitting when you’re wrong.

Unfair:

  • Cross-complaining; responding to partner's initial complaint with one of your own.
  • Ignoring your partner.
  • Belittling your partner or issues.
  • Assuming your partner should know what you are thinking or feeling when you haven't said anything
Negotiating

Fair:

  • Finding out what it is your partner is really interested in obtaining by making the complaint or grievance.
  • Expressing your interest in coming to a solution which is satisfactory to you both.
  • Discussing each other's perceptions and view points.
  • Keeping to the subject. Trying to resolve one issue before moving to another

Unfair:

  • Presenting non-negotiable demands.
  • Thinking your partner must lose if you are to win (and vice versa).
  • Ignoring your partner's strong expression of emotions.
  • Refusing to consider options from all sides of the issue.

 

Ending

Fair:

  • Having physical safety valves for excess emotion (Jogging, listening to music, etc.).
  • Calling a foul when you feel a guideline has been broken.
  • Being ready to forgive.
  • Finishing with an expression of positive feelings that you've worked together successfully.

Unfair:

  • Pretending to go along, or to agree when you really don't.
  • Withholding affections, breaking previous agreements.
  • Continuing with repetitious, stale arguments with no progress being made toward resolution.

Use the following tips from Middlebury College’s Health Services to help spot toxic relationships:

1. When your friend and boyfriend are together, he calls her names and puts her down in front of other people.

2. He acts extremely jealous when she talks to other boys, even when it is innocent.

3. She apologizes for his behavior and makes excuses for him.

4. She frequently cancels plans at the last minute for reasons that sound untrue.

5. He is always checking up on her, calling or paging her and demanding to know where she has been and who she has been with.

6. You've seen her lose her temper, maybe even break or hit things when she's mad.

7. She seems worried about upsetting him or making him angry.

8. She is giving up things that used to be important to her, such as spending time with friends or other activities, and is becoming more and more isolated.

9. Her weight, appearance or grades have changed dramatically.  These could be signs of depression, which could indicate abuse.

10. He has injuries he can't explain, or the explanations he gives don't make sense.

Additional Resources on Dating Violence

  • “Find your way out of a toxic relationship” - Helpful advice from the Today show on NBC
  • Break the Cycle - The leading, national nonprofit organization addressing teen dating violence
  • The Safe Space - A project of Break the Cycle, includes comprehensive resources to learn about dating violence
  • Monterey Domestic Violence Shelter for Women/Children
    2115 N. Fremont Blvd. Monterey CA 93940
    408-649-0834